This year was Texas State Young Life's first year to have a team of leaders for our college ministry. Almost a full semester into the year we discovered the need for team leaders - and the three in the picture above (lol at Gabe's face) were the people chosen for the job. chosen. I've had such a hard time believing that I was chosen, that I was "made for this". It was probably about a week after I became a team leader that I felt the spiritual battle so strong within me that it was overwhelming to the point that I literally felt a heaviness about me. All of this came from a place of thinking that for some reason I was unworthy of this job.
After days of feeling sorry for myself, I had something happy to look forward to. The recently chosen team leaders had the opportunity to represent our Young Life area at the Young Life College Summit. The three of us walked into the first seminar late because we had to go to class that morning, but as soon as I sat down all I heard echoing off the walls was "you've been given authority over all powers of the enemy." ; authority - another word that has felt a little out of place in my life lately. My team and I have been going through the book of Titus together and each chapter brings up authority and how we should go about it. Then there I was struggling with the fact that I was given authority, to a certain degree, over this precious team..and I didn't think I deserved it or that other people thought I deserved it and then I walk in and hear how God has GIVEN me this authority. Over the team and over those toxic thoughts from the enemy. The speaker continued to tell me (well, it felt like he was just talking to me) that I didn't choose to be in the position that I was in, God placed me there. He told me that someone had prayed for someone just like me to take the role that I was in while Young Life College at Texas State University was just an idea in the works. God's words are always so timely.
This past Monday when I met with my small group one of my girls requested prayer because she was just promoted at her job and the people she was over are older than her and they weren't receiving her new authority well.
- I smiled inside-
God doesn't waste our hurt ; He uses it for good, He uses it for His glory. He'll take you through something and somewhere down the road you can walk someone else through it. Having recently been struggling with some of the same things I was able to give her the same words of truth that were spoken to me, and as a body of Christ I think that's what we're supposed to do.
Being a leader comes with a lot.. but you're equipped. you're chosen and as prepared as you're ever gna be. Keep at it, keep doing good and even hard things for the sake of the Gospel - it's worth it.
keep pressing on, friends. you're doing great where you're at.
Where do I begin.. tears are already wanting to escape my eyes.
When I was 8 I moved to San Antonio, Texas and became part of Community Bible Church. My parents signed me up for everything imaginable, and looking back I'm so grateful for that. At that age I was in kid's choir and stayed until 5&6th grade when I could also become a part of the hip hop team. Most people know me as a dancer, and honestly that's pretty much where it began. In a small room of a church, and I continued to dance in my church as well as on competitive dance teams up until college when I danced with my university's dance team in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I couldn't top that experience and I'm now a retired dancer.
But that's not what this blog is about. It's about the other side of me that's starting to peek out, the part that people are curious and confused about. The part that involves singing. I figured it was time to explain what's been going on..
Starting at 8 I made it until 5th grade without ever auditioning for a solo or being put on mic to sing for choir events. I liked it that way, just the thought of singing on a mic and not in the back with the whole choir scared me. A lot. But then 5th grade came around and my choir director Amanda Singer was starting to tell us who was going to be on the little praise team for our next event, so I escaped to the restroom because if she couldn't see me, she wouldn't put me on mic, right? I came back from the restroom and my friends happily told me "Miss Amanda said that mic is yours!" I remember the blood rushing to my face in fear. After that I was put on mic a lot up through when I transitioned into the older kid's choir called Pure Sound. By that time I was like "yeah I can sing back line, nobody can hear me there's other people on mic too." gradually I got pushed harder as I transitioned to the older choir. Sherry and Kristen took a chance on me and put me on praise team, this is where I found out that I could hear and produce harmonies on my own, which I thought was normal (turns out it's not as normal as I thought) but I knew it wasn't on my own ability because music wasn't my forte, dance was. God was starting something. After being on praise team a few times these ladies would ask me to sing solos, and they could testify that I would decline while probably kicking, screaming or crying. My fear was so powerful it was unreal. By the time I was in high school I made front line of praise team which was still a big step, but I still never wanted to sing by myself at any point. My last time leading worship with pure sound as a senior I sang a duet and I thought, surely this is the hugest step. I'm proud of myself, I'm done here.
After graduating high school I stayed home for my first two years of college and would randomly sing at church with my friends. Then the time came when me and all of my friends went off to universities and we had a goodbye party/ birthday party for our friend Timmy and Timmy wanted his friends to play music at his party, so we agreed. Little did I know that agreeing to this would altar my life in the weirdest way. While me and the other two people who were playing were getting ready we were going through the list of songs and one of them looked over and casually said "..and this is the song you're going to be singing". This person knew better than anyone that I hated the thought of leading/singing alone. This person is also someone I trusted more than anyone - the Lord's placement and timing couldn't have been more perfect. This person assured me I would be fine, then both of my friends went through the song with me even though it was probably the most uncomfortable thing I could have ever done. Looking back I'm so thankful those two were the ones by my side because I look up to them so much musically (which also makes it extremely intimidating singing next to them). So I did it, I probably had my eyes closed majority of the time because I was probably praying for my throat to not close up like it usually does in these situations haha. But I made it out alive and one of my best friends came up to me and gave me a word of encouragement afterwards not knowing it was my first time ever doing that. And those words are still in my heart and are honestly a huge reason I was ok and kept singing after that day. Thanks Colin,Ben and Chan for that day. God used you immensely even though you may not have realized.
After that I moved up to Texas State and got involved in FCA. I became friends with the worship leader and as we were hanging out one day a Ke$ha song came on and naturally I started harmonizing (harmonies are my favorite!) and he about flipped a lid. He recognized my voice from hearing it in the crowd at FCA and he immediately went home, got his guitar and he came over to my house and we just played music and decided I was going to accompany him at FCA and we would also drive out to Lockhart,TX together to lead worship at a youth service together where I would occasionally lead a song or two. Hahaha WHAT? There was no plans on singing when I got to college, at least on my end. And especially not more singing by myself.. the joke is always on me. Singing at FCA was awesome but I eventually had to quit going to FCA because of dance practice and I had just got involved in this organization called Young Life. I had just gotten placed as a leader and went to my first event called club - and not knowing any history of my story or even that I sang at FCA they told me I was going to be one of the song leaders for Wimberley High School Young Life. Wow, how fun, how exciting, how unexpected. It was an amazing growing season singing at club and constantly being encouraged by my singing partner and friend, Joe Brownfield. Unfortunately, my season as a Wimberley High School Young Life Leader wasn't all rainbows. We lost one of our Young Life kids to suicide and our friend Evan talked at the funeral and Joe and I provided music for the service. Never thought I would see myself there, and it was so hard but such a blessing at the same time. Thankful for the Wimberley team's encouragement and belief in me to even go beyond our club room, much less sing in the club room itself.
My Wimberley girls graduated this past year and I am starting my last semester of college, so it worked out to where I could be a part of our new Texas State Young Life leadership. Not only that, I get to sing - I get to lead my college peers. AND some of my Wimberley girls are going to school with me now and will be in the same room as me as we both make this transition.
The Lord blows.my.mind.
I love the conversations I have when I come home and people ask me what I'm doing these days, and I tell them. They laugh in disbelief, then they realize I'm serious and they're in shock. Honestly, I am too. I'm not the same girl I was a few years ago and I have God to thank for that. I'm slowly but surely learning how to fight fears in my life. I'm still not fully confident in this area of my life, but I know it's a gift - a gift I'm going to learn to get better at with time. A gift that isn't for my glory, but the Lord's.
Thankful thankful thankful.
So excited to see what leading Young Life College is going to look like. So thankful for Jesus' power being so strong in me that I'm starting to fight off some of the lies that the enemy has fed me my whole life. Thankful for those who have believed in me since I was young (Andrea and Amanda Fisher for always telling me I "sang good" to our Mwangaza CD even when I had no idea what I was singing HAHA - I haven't forgotten the words you spoke over me, even if we were in middle school) , for being placed in a church that was so good at teaching us what worship is at a young age (Misty Jones, you're a part of that for me too!) and for those who believe and continue to encourage me now. I love you. And I welcome any prayers as I walk forward in this calling, because it's hard in so many ways.
All this goes to say, aside from the obvious power of Jesus - words of encouragement were planted in me long ago and they just started sprouting and producing fruit a few years ago. Have an encouraging word for a believer? Don't keep it in, it could change them and push them forward in their calling.
Thanks for reading friends, if you want to see a little bit of how the Lord is changing me - here's a video of me and my buds! Praying this novel of a blog encourages someone afraid today.
God brings our
testimony full circle when we yield to His spirit.
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Thank God! Call out his Name!
Tell the whole world who He is and what He’s done!
I've been going to this place called Camp Tejas with my church since I was 8 years old. I don't know if I ever voiced it, but I was sure by the time I graduated high school that I was done. The Lord has called me back there a few times since I claimed I was "done".
This summer I had the opportunity to take my Young Life kids to camp. To a beautiful camp in Colorado that I've never been to. Just a few months ago I found out that the classes I'm taking in Summer school HAVE to be taken during the time that I would be taking girls to camp because I only have one more semester of school left and the class isn't offered in the fall. I was (and still am) so bummed out, so I was just planning on working the first half of summer and doing my summer school the second half. I came home for a couple weeks and someone asked if I wanted to be a counselor at Camp Tejas this year. I unenthusiastically said I would see if I was working, knowing I would be. Yet again the joke was on me, I ended up having different plans for work and I didn't have to work during camp and they desperately needed more counselors so I signed up.
I got my list of girls, two of them were girls that I had a few years ago - the summer before they started middle school, this summer is the summer before they start high school. God knows I love little details like that. Such important times in anyones life about to move on to a new stage of life. So that was neat, but I didn't know what to expect camp wise, I mean I've been going there forever.. I wasn't expecting anything new.
We went through the first couple days of camp, they were fun and just like I remember, and my girls even poured their sweet hearts out to me and each other which is always moving, but on day 2 my girls and I were talking before our morning service and I heard one of them say "oh we're probably going to cry at the night service tonight so just get ready" - my girls know, they have it down. our night sessions are usually more intense, if one kid starts crying a lot of others will too, just because. but God had something different in mind, He wanted to show my girls that He doesn't have to just move in a night service, He can move at ANY time. we were in for a surprise. we went into our morning service which is usually light hearted and goofy. we're singing worship songs and a few songs in everything goes silent, every instrument stops playing, nobody is talking, coughing or sneezing, the Lord's presence was thick all around us and someone begins to speak in tongues and then one of the students begins to interpret what he's saying. kids were scared, kids were confused, kids were inspired to start asking questions. this was a huge deal, we're a non denominational church - this stuff doesn't really happen often and especially not for these kids. while it revealed some split views among our church members, overall the Lord used that moment for good. my girls came back and asked me about what happened, what it meant and why it happened. once they knew what was going on they weren't scared, they were excited. this moment was something God gave all of us to say "hey, I'm here - and I'm real." and we should believe in Him even without tangible moments like these, but boy what a gift. it became such a special moment shared just between us at camp.
He is doing a new thing in me, and in these kids. The ground is shaking with revival and I am so stoked to see this generation fired up about God and His promises to them.
Gosh, He is so good. When I am faithless He is faithful.
A few years ago I wrote
a Valentine’s Day blog. I was semi- newly single and I was definitely still
young, as I am today. If you didn’t read it, it was basically a list of a
million things I want(ed) my future husband to be. I still think about that
list a lot and I came to a point where I’ve realized some of those things on
that list have changed, and even the fact that I made a list makes me feel
silly and probably drives away any guy from ever liking me..like ever. I'm actually going to start a personal list of things I can work on myself to be a better counterpart when the time comes.
My view of relationships
has changed since then. I've learned a ton about these things called grace and trust and
how beautiful they are. Between learning from my parents and watching One Tree
Hill, I’ve learned to pick your battles. Sometimes you just let the other
person have their way because you love them. I’ve also learned more about
forgiveness and how majority of the time people don’t deserve it, but you
forgive them anyways.. ya know, like Jesus did for us.
Finding someone who
exhibits everything on that list would be wonderful, but I’ve realized it’s
also a list almost impossible to achieve, so I’ve prepared for that. It’s
awesome to dream big and as girls we’re constantly being told not to settle,
but if you’re expecting perfection no guy is going to have that. It has taken
me a really long time to grasp that last part.
My life, interests and
heart have changed. I’ve always loved music, and before I would be happy with a
guy who would just listen to music with me, but now I have a desire for someone
who will make music with me which is sort of new. In my past relationship that’s
what I had and I never knew that was something I desired, but since then I’ve
started making music with my friends more and I realized how much dating
someone who was musical themselves just made sense – but it’s still not a
non-negotiable. If I love someone and they don’t play music, but they support
me when I do, then right on.
I’ve also turned 21
since I wrote that blog! And while smoking certain things is still completely out of the
question, I wrote about drinking before I had been truly exposed to it. My
parents have been such great examples when it comes to that. I rarely see them
drink and when I do it’s not a big deal because it doesn’t change who they are.
I waited until I was 21 to drink and I’ve realized that you can drink without
getting drunk! It’s neat. Drinking still isn’t my favorite thing, I don’t do it
often and I definitely don’t want a relationship to be centered around
something like that but I definitely have a different view of it now.
something I think silly things like, “I hope he likes sushi!” and “I hope he doesn’t mind that I’m going to want to take a picture with him
all the time so I never forget a moment” overall I’m just stuck in a state of
wonder, and I think that’s a cool place to be.
At my age, I’m in a
season where my friends are getting engaged, married and even having babies and
I am genuinely happy for them which is such a great feeling; to not be jealous,
bitter or upset like I probably would have been a few years ago. I’m a hopeless
romantic, so I light up when it comes to love, but the Lord has been so good to
get me to a place where I’m happy with where I’m at and I don’t bash other
people’s love life. I’m happy for them and I’m happy for me. I love being in a place where I'm not completely lost and lonely without a relationship because I have such a great Father, family and friends who are working over time to love me - so while I'm waiting things are good and I'm having a fun time loving them too. Thankful that I’m
growing and learning every day.
Praying for all of you
who have a hard time when it comes to Valentines day, that your heart wouldn’t
be hardened, that you would feel happiness in place of sadness, that you would
spur others on in love. Happy Valentine’s Day Friends J
thankful that none of my mistakes have made my God love me any less. thankful that God's grace is bigger than any sin that I may commit. thankful that no matter how far I stay, when I turn to back to find Him after I've lost my way - He's right where I left Him waiting for me with open arms.
thankful for little justin bieber and his talent portrayed through music that can get me dancing and happy like none other. thankful for the life he speaks to his fans telling them to follow their dreams and believe in themselves and even posting truth and scripture from time to time.
ya see, it's been a hard week in the life of justin bieber and sometimes I forget how this whole sin thing works and often think what other people do is worse than anything I could ever do, why can't they just be a better christian like me..right?
WRONG. that's what satan wants me to believe. it's called pride - and it's a sin too.
well here I am on a public blog calling myself out - I get prideful from time to time (I'd like to think I'm not the only one). but when I sit back and think about it, the fact that I can well up with pride and think that my sins are less than anyone else's is a lie, not to mention cRaZy. Romans 3:10 says that none are righteous .. no, not a single one of us. So before you start saying hurtful things about justin or whoever else in your life, think about that. I'll do my best to do the same. It's not easy. Romans 3:1-20 is an awesome passage about how we're all pretty messed up, good reminder that we're all human and do some 'not so smart things', and some of us have more spotlight on those 'things' and it amplifies the problem even though it's not worse than if someone who wasn't famous would have done it. it's bad, bottom line.
"aren't you a little old to be a belieber? and you're supporting someone who just got a DUI.....ok." // I know it's what some of you are thinking. yes, I'm a fan of the biebs, and I am most certainly not saying his behavior is ok. I'm in no way supporting getting a DUI or any of his other fall outs that he has had lately. AT ALL, actually. I'm just supporting the Biblical principle of GRACE and forgiveness.
The Lord looks at all of our sins the same, no sin is bigger than another and the greatest news? God's grace is big enough to cover them ALL.
our Father HATES when we sin. it hurts Him, a lot. but even though we mess up from time to time He loves us (the same amount of love before we sinned, HIS LOVE NEVER CHANGES EVEN IF WE SCREW UP). our Father loves it when we repent and turn from our sins. we're all going to mess up again, it's inevitable. now don't do it on purpose, that's like intentionally wanting to hurt someone's feelings -- because that's exactly what it is. but know that you're not ever too far from God for Him to forgive you and bring you back. He's really nice like that.
yes, after all of this mess I'm still a belieber.
people make jokes, but every time I force someone to watch a justin bieber movie with me -- they get chills or teary eyed or sing along to a song (or all of them) because you just can't help it. it stinks hearing some males who constantly bash justin because the ladies dig him and he's more successful than them. yes he does deserve the position he's in, he works hard and despite some people's beliefs I (and obviously plenty of other people) think he is gifted in what he does. looking past some crazy decisions, this kid is a fellow believer in Jesus Christ, we should be loving him! it's inspiring to me to see a little boy born from a teen mother who started out playing his guitar on the side of the street sell out Madison Square Garden as a teenager. God can/ will do the craziest things through the most unlikely people.
this may be silly, but it's what was on my heart today.
hope you never forget that God's grace can outdo your past
hate may win some battles, but Love wins in the end
my parents told me to keep writing blogs this year.. so here i am.
I feel like I haven't been writing as much or as transparent as I would in years past, part of that due to me hearing a voice in the back of my head saying "that's too deep/emotional" "don't post that, it's going to offend someone" "don't hit that publish button because your post isn't good enough" (and partially because any free time I do have is not spent writing)
But I'm taking advantage of this whole new year thing and leaving some insecurities, things that have emotionally/ mentally destroyed me and everything that has held me back in 2013 where they belong. My 2014 doesn't have the time or space for any of that.
Steffany Gretzinger said it best : "We were made in the image of the most radical human being to walk the planet. WE were born to be radical, we were born to offend -- not on purpose, but the way we live our lives should offend anyone that opposes Jesus."
She spoke that straight to my heart last night whether she knew it or not and I hope it speaks to someone else's.
I'm not going to be quiet about the dark seasons of my life - the Lord uses those to touch/change other people as much as they did for me. Testimonies are powerful and God doesn't give them to us to hide under a bushel.
I'm going to intentionally look for those moments when I could be called 'radical' for doing something that honors the Lord instead of fearing of hurting someone's feelings who doesn't see Jesus or life the way I do.[ this is going to be hard for me ]
If it makes Him happy, I want to do more of that.
Which leads me to my plans.. everyone gets asked about their future up until they're finally in their big boy/girl job. Well, I was planning on graduating this May with people my age but that has recently changed. This past fall semester was probably my hardest as I was taking a block [teaching at a high school] ,taking additional courses, making friendships last, doing things Young Life leaders do on top of leading worship multiple nights out of the week and trying not to miss my little sister's big moments of her senior year in high school back home. I didn't sleep much, I probably didn't eat much or breathe much either -- I don't really even remember. But the crazy thing is, I did so much but have recently been convicted by a dear friend that I still missed some important things on my "to do" list.
So what does this mean for me? This means I'm going to try to keep myself healthy and SANE this semester. I toned down the amount of hours I'm taking because I refuse to tone down the amount that I put into Young Life / important relationships. Throughout my life I've heard numerous people tell me/ other people "School needs to be the number one focus" but this has never come out of the mouth of my parents. My parents encourage(d) me and all of my sisters to do well in school, they care just like every good parent should and they wouldn't just let us get by if our grades were slipping, but they never made my world revolve around academics and I feel sorry for whoever's parents do. I make good grades, and yes having an education is important -- I believe that, I'm in school to be a teacher! But that's not all there is to life. My parents didn't rob me of my whole social life or just flat out ruin my life for academics. There would be days that I couldn't play with friends because they thought I should work on homework but those days were so few (and I still ended up being ok!). My parents, and recently my church, have taught me to focus on the things that are eternal and long-lasting. This does not mean being careless by any means. This means I'm enjoying this season of being a college Young Life leader and I'm going to continue working really hard at being a good leader/ sister/ role model/ light of Jesus for a group of high school girls who are so precious to me. This means that those life long friendships I've made at Texas State are special and deserve time, attention and care - not a friend who is unavailable,grumpy or too tired to listen. Friendships are super important to me, I don't let go of them easily and my heart is to put so much love into every relationship I'm a part of. I find happiness in knowing that I maintain friendships I've had since I was in elementary school. Things like that are a part of me.
"For every real relationship, this is the thing: Without the fuel of time there is no fire of intimacy." ~ Ann Voskamp
These things need time. I need time. Time to not let my anxiety flare up, time to be healthy and not completely stressed, time to figure out more about who Jesus wants me to be and time to get poured into spiritually so I don't run dry - because the day will come when I get that big girl job (whatever it may be) and I won't get this sacred "time" back. I don't think God calls us to be stressed, but I do think He calls us to work hard and excel in what we do..so that's where I'm at. Right now the plan is to continue classes this this semester, this summer/ next fall and then student teach next spring. I can walk the stage before or after student teaching, but I haven't decided which one yet (walking the stage with my younger friends in the spring sounds really tempting). I've got some other things in the works for this year, so we'll see how they work out. I want to travel more, I'm also going to start praying about Africa more as I feel the time for me to go is definitely coming closer- it has been popping up all throughout my life lately and I really want the wisdom to know when/how He wants me to go..because I know He wants me to . You can join me in praying for that if you like :)
I'm already walking into this new year with a new-found confidence that only comes with my journey of uncovering a different piece of who I am in Him each day, and this blog post is proof of that. I'm getting back on my feet after a few years of a whirlwind and I'm coming out on the other end with so much favor. I pray that whoever is reading this and needs the strength to let go of something that's holding them back would receive it.
2014 is a year to be radical, fanatical, crazy for You, Jesus.
"We determine how much influence we'll have when we decide how available we'll be. Be extravagant with your time." - Bob Goff
