I feel like I haven't been writing as much or as transparent as I would in years past, part of that due to me hearing a voice in the back of my head saying "that's too deep/emotional" "don't post that, it's going to offend someone" "don't hit that publish button because your post isn't good enough" (and partially because any free time I do have is not spent writing)
But I'm taking advantage of this whole new year thing and leaving some insecurities, things that have emotionally/ mentally destroyed me and everything that has held me back in 2013 where they belong. My 2014 doesn't have the time or space for any of that.
Steffany Gretzinger said it best :
"We were made in the image of the most radical human being to walk the planet. WE were born to be radical, we were born to offend -- not on purpose, but the way we live our lives should offend anyone that opposes Jesus."
She spoke that straight to my heart last night whether she knew it or not and I hope it speaks to someone else's.
I'm not going to be quiet about the dark seasons of my life - the Lord uses those to touch/change other people as much as they did for me. Testimonies are powerful and God doesn't give them to us to hide under a bushel.
I'm going to intentionally look for those moments when I could be called 'radical' for doing something that honors the Lord instead of fearing of hurting someone's feelings who doesn't see Jesus or life the way I do.[ this is going to be hard for me ]
If it makes Him happy, I want to do more of that.
Which leads me to my plans.. everyone gets asked about their future up until they're finally in their big boy/girl job. Well, I was planning on graduating this May with people my age but that has recently changed. This past fall semester was probably my hardest as I was taking a block [teaching at a high school] ,taking additional courses, making friendships last, doing things Young Life leaders do on top of leading worship multiple nights out of the week and trying not to miss my little sister's big moments of her senior year in high school back home. I didn't sleep much, I probably didn't eat much or breathe much either -- I don't really even remember. But the crazy thing is, I did so much but have recently been convicted by a dear friend that I still missed some important things on my "to do" list.
So what does this mean for me? This means I'm going to try to keep myself healthy and SANE this semester. I toned down the amount of hours I'm taking because I refuse to tone down the amount that I put into Young Life / important relationships. Throughout my life I've heard numerous people tell me/ other people "School needs to be the number one focus" but this has never come out of the mouth of my parents. My parents encourage(d) me and all of my sisters to do well in school, they care just like every good parent should and they wouldn't just let us get by if our grades were slipping, but they never made my world revolve around academics and I feel sorry for whoever's parents do. I make good grades, and yes having an education is important -- I believe that, I'm in school to be a teacher! But that's not all there is to life. My parents didn't rob me of my whole social life or just flat out ruin my life for academics. There would be days that I couldn't play with friends because they thought I should work on homework but those days were so few (and I still ended up being ok!). My parents, and recently my church, have taught me to focus on the things that are eternal and long-lasting. This does not mean being careless by any means. This means I'm enjoying this season of being a college Young Life leader and I'm going to continue working really hard at being a good leader/ sister/ role model/ light of Jesus for a group of high school girls who are so precious to me. This means that those life long friendships I've made at Texas State are special and deserve time, attention and care - not a friend who is unavailable,grumpy or too tired to listen. Friendships are super important to me, I don't let go of them easily and my heart is to put so much love into every relationship I'm a part of. I find happiness in knowing that I maintain friendships I've had since I was in elementary school. Things like that are a part of me.
"For every real relationship, this is the thing:
Without the fuel of time there is no fire of intimacy." ~ Ann Voskamp
These things need time. I need time. Time to not let my anxiety flare up, time to be healthy and not completely stressed, time to figure out more about who Jesus wants me to be and time to get poured into spiritually so I don't run dry - because the day will come when I get that big girl job (whatever it may be) and I won't get this sacred "time" back. I don't think God calls us to be stressed, but I do think He calls us to work hard and excel in what we do..so that's where I'm at. Right now the plan is to continue classes this this semester, this summer/ next fall and then student teach next spring. I can walk the stage before or after student teaching, but I haven't decided which one yet (walking the stage with my younger friends in the spring sounds really tempting). I've got some other things in the works for this year, so we'll see how they work out. I want to travel more, I'm also going to start praying about Africa more as I feel the time for me to go is definitely coming closer- it has been popping up all throughout my life lately and I really want the wisdom to know when/how He wants me to go..because I know He wants me to . You can join me in praying for that if you like :)
I'm already walking into this new year with a new-found confidence that only comes with my journey of uncovering a different piece of who I am in Him each day, and this blog post is proof of that. I'm getting back on my feet after a few years of a whirlwind and I'm coming out on the other end with so much favor. I pray that whoever is reading this and needs the strength to let go of something that's holding them back would receive it.
2014 is a year to be radical, fanatical, crazy for You, Jesus.
"We determine how much influence we'll have when we decide how available we'll be.
Be extravagant with your time." - Bob Goff
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